Feels like dying...

(side)

it's a horrible feeling. One I cannot fully describe even. I just feel like a large chunk of me is dead.

I finally got the divorce papers signed and sent of to Blake. It's only a matter of him signing them now and us finalizing everything.

Most of the time I am okay. Gabriel and I have a wonderful time together ad I feel like the choice I made was actually good. It is only when thoughts of the divorce creep into my head or I have to talk to Blake and I hear his tears that I question myself and fall to my tears.

Gabriel... I feel like he doesn't understand that. I feel as though he has never really loved a person he has had to actually let go of before, even though I know better. He does not even attempt to understand my pain and help me. He is so caught up in his own feelings that cause him to stray that he does not realize that his distance is what has destroyed me. He calls it needing comfort... he has no idea what comfort really is.

I understand what my sister went through now.

I understand why she was the way she was.

But my background is different from hers. She may have been the assassin in the family, but... She was always the weak spirited one. I am not. I should be able to get through this...

Gabriel has left once more at a time I could have really used his support. I felt a burning on my hand and looked down to see the scar fading away.

He has broken the vow just as I thought he eventually would. I hoped he wouldn't, but I know he has. I just hope the person was worth it. I hope his spirit rests in peace now.

As for me...

I know Blake has met another. I know it was her address he gave me to send the paperwork to. I fear it is too late now for me to change my mind. I fear I have done so much damage and have been gone for so long that he will never take me back now. I fear he has already moved on.

My choice hurt so many.

I cannot even ask for forgiveness... I cannot even forgive myself...

*sighs* This unrest in my soul.... I haven't been able to get rid of it...

If I knew it wouldn't affect my uncle....

I would gladly return to the darkness I was once pulled from. At least then I had some kind of rest. I could not be hurt, and I could not hurt others.

posted by Lady Aurora Phoenix @ 7:24 AM Comments: 0