Fading light of hope...

(RP)

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(side)

This week in Egypt has been interesting. I have come across so many familiar things. In an effort to give Blake his space to think, I did some exploring on my own. I even went back to the old palace. Not much of it really exists anymore... time has long since crushed it- but I did find my old room. I even found an old teddybear I used to have- very old, it was made of the strawcloth of that time period. It was ragged and torn but it was still there, I don't know what came over me. I felt like a lost child. I looked around the crumbling room and felt like I was looking at the tattered pieces of my life.

I stood there and my mind wandered to all the things that Jewel was doing while she was with Blake... It kills me to know that they... they might.. I don't know what they might do, but I know her thoughts... I know what she wants... the same things I want. But she isn't as patient as I am. I was taking the time to help him learn to read. She would rather hire someone and that would humiliate him. I could never do that to him. I never would consider it... He may be quiet, but he is too prideful of a man for that.

Then again, I have done so many other things I swore I would never do...

Still.. she has been there for him in a way I have not. I let my lustful heart carry me away from the vows I once made. I have tarnished my honour. My father won't say it but I see the disappointment in his eyes when he looks upon me... When I bother to raise my head in his presence. I pretty much don't even bother to join everyone anymore- there is no fun with all the guilt within me.

In the end, all my thoughts of them making her fantasies come true in whatever tomb they happen to explore made me ill... I curled up on a pile of torn curtains- the bed had long since been destroyed... I couldn't go back. I couldn't face him. I couldn't be around her. My actions may have killed any chances, but he needs space and time. it is hard to be face to face with him and not wrap my arms around him. Feel his lips willing pressed against mine... I want to do so much, but my own fear holds me back. It never used to- but that is what got me into trouble in the first place.

There have been a few times where he and I could laugh and talk, but it always ends the same. In silence. My actions and his decision hang over our heads and always ends any fun we have. We shared a room, but slept in different beds. It was better that way. But that uncomfortable silence, I fear kills our chances that much more. I would do anything and everything to make it up to him, but... I have to be given one more chance I am not so sure I deserve...

Perhaps... yes, I am certain, this time I have hurt him more than he loves me... and to be honest, I wouldn't love me any longer either.

Ra... please... get rid of this uncertainty. Rid me of this pain somehow- anyway possible...

He said he would have an answer at the end of the trip... well we board the plane tonight. We will be arriving in Vegas in 2 days... And if he chooses her, he stays there while I return to Harbor Springs alone...

I got a chill.... I don't like the feeling...

posted by Lady Aurora Phoenix @ 3:32 PM Comments: 0