confused...

You would think now that Blake and I are married, I would be happy.... But a part of me keeps going back to that moment RIJ kissed me. Sometimes I still feel his lips touching mine..

Sometimes it is him in my dreams at night....

I am not certain what this means, but I know I have to figure it out soon. I am Mrs. Blake Evans now.... i can't be having thoughts like these of another man- especially one who is with my sister...

Nakia is a great deal like her father. Always getting into things, and giving Malik a hard time on top of that... It is fun to watch at times... but our son... Cayden.... I worry about him.

Cayden is my quiet one. He hardly ever speaks. He has such a light voice that I love to listen to, but he hardly ever uses it. The way he looks up at me... I think there is something to him that senses things about people like I can. That worries m too. It wouldn't take much for cayden to let anything he senses slip...

Blake asked me why I as so quiet. If everything was okay. I was able to skirt around the question easily. In truth everything really is okay. I am worried about Cayden which is what I told him. I just didn't have to tell him about the thoughts of RIJ that have been on my mind lately. As long as he doesn't directly ask me, I never have to say a thing. I have been lucky in the fact that no one here knows that fact...

A direct question forces a complete truthful answer from me instead of a partial truth. I just don't want to hurt the man I have always loved for so long...

_____________________________________

Sidelines-

Tahiti has been wonderful. A nice escape. But when Gabriel leaves our room I am left alone to my thoughts. My senses return to me and I can once more feel my husband's pain. He is holding out for me, I know this. Ra.. He has always been so good to me... This isn't fair to him...

I sit and stare at both the wedding and engagement rings Blake had given me. I have held them tightly in my hand. I want him to know that regardless of my choice, I still love him very much. I will never stop loving him. I just love Gabriel too. I need to be able to explore this first for a while. Understand it.

Then suddenly I can sense a greater distress. Against my wishes, I return home to find Gabriel and Rose locked in a fight...Just as I told my uncle, I showed that he listens to me, and rather quickly at that... I quietly told him to release Rose and he did. Then I told him I had to leave again... If I see my husband, I break apart...

He needs time to heal...

I need time away as well...

Tahiti is really a needed break for the both of us...

I do wish that everyone would stop fighting... I wish Gabriel and Sanura would stop fighting the most... It hurts me terribly, not that any consideration should be given to me... But it still hurts. I feel the pain she hides. I know she feels my own as well.

Gabriel... Sanura... please... stop fighting.... please....

posted by Lady Aurora Phoenix @ 7:07 AM Comments: 0